noooo curve!

hello huhu...i guess im wrong there:i cant post blogs using my new blackberry.grrr...ive been typing on it to update this blog more regularly but i couldnt seem to find the 'publish post' button.ahh well.looks like i just have to work around the traditional way of postings and no, i wont be updating regularly as how i wished.

*still in italy.oh btw do u guys know we could use our mobile on the plane?how cool is that!*

facebook status vs blog

i have so many things going on and sometimes i just find it hard to cope with it.oh well,most of the times.i thought being here at the very first place could help me adapt to the changes and supposedly i should be able to pick up with studies and the many things going on around me.hmm the initial plan that was.but reality is,though it does help at points,i still am struggling to juggle work and study at the same time.and now that im given even bigger responsibilities in the office,i am really really exhausting all the energies i have to balance my studies and work.as if i dont have enough of this demanding course,i still have to deal with stress at work trying to achieve targets.and i guess it makes sense if im all knackered by the time i reach home.and ouh this time saving makes it even worst now that the sun set is at 4pm which makes me mentally deprived as well.at times i did cry and at all time i hope jeff is around to spoil me with his delicious comfy food he cooks or simply just chill around and cheer me up.
being an emotion-driven girl,these things happening around me a lot of the times invites my mood swings.thank goodness that i dont have that many people around me,i havent really hurt anyone.but thing is sometimes i feel like wanting to let people know that im not well.and so i sought to facebook status to tell people how i feel.but hmm 90% of the time typing them out,i never really post it.i happen to have this thought,ouhh i dont want to be flooding other people's feeds with all sorts of my emotional break down status every 5 minutes.
though i think its better to keep it to myself,i still want to publish what i feel every so often!so yeah,now that i have my new blackberry curve,i will update what ever that i feel on my blog instead.because my blog is my space so hell yeah im going to flood it with my unspoken words-thanks to not having anyone to speak to(mind you my life now is all about work n studies.chill out?naah i'de rather be working on my studio work.durhh)
so yeah once again thanx to my jefriman for forcing me to buy a blackberry,i now can update my blog anywhere anytime!

Allotment 51B

i was sleeping when i read the text from Donal last night.it was sent at 10:08pm and i was already slumped on the couch snoring my way through the night.

Final cost of greenhouse = gbp537.15, cost of manual labour =gbp0, countless days of agony in the rain =priceless!

yerp i only noticed the text this morning when i was setting off my alarm. i had a good laugh at it. yeah agony.tell me about it!

hello people!i havent been writing much have i?hehe pardon me for not finding time to update.oh well it doesnt really matter i guess because i officially dedicated this blog to some close friends who'd been bugging me to update how ive been doing.and yeah especially to you!so ive not really upset anyone right.

okay cool.

now,now that i have been back to school,i guess i have more interesting stuff to write.hmm let me think yeah oh yeah.i have got words pouring out of my head now my fingers couldnt cope with its pace.i probably need to improve on my typing speed because to be honest i think im pretty slow at typing,oh well compared to the speed jeff is typing.sometimes when i look at him typing emails or comments or his reports,i was always amazed at how fast he types and i kinda gave him that stare of a superhero.you know,the kind of look that you are staring up above at a superhero saving the world from the bad people,fighting the dinosaurs and dragons,and you have that sparkling eyes admiring and secretly whispering 'oh save me superhero!i love you!'.hahah i guess i had too much tv when i was small but hey,after all,jeff is my own version of superhero.forget batman and superman.ive got jefriman! how cool is that!

see i talks craps most of the times.back to the topic,or rather the text.for the past few weeks i had been some sort of cheap labor on the site working on constructing a greenhouse that my group had designed.the project was just amazing i think we combined few elements into our design and actually got it built!the site is an allotment site at N17 and we were supposed to build a greenhouse to a certain requirement within the budget of gbp300.but as always,being architecture students who always want to impress others,our group had designed a greenhouse that has got a shed attached to it and an incredible rammed earth wall!(imagine there is actually other group working on experimental rammed earth wall but we have already integrated it into our design and built it within the same time frame as the other one.arent we amazing!lol)

so yeah put the three big elements together and aint it obvious from the text that we blew the budget by almost 100%.n we didnt finish it on time.infact,it was dragged for almost a month until it was finally completed last sunday.no,before you start judging us as being lazybums,let me tell you how hard we had worked on it.

we have only got one week before we have to present our work.the group is made up from 8people and was split up into two i)do the timber work in the workshop at school ii)build the rammed earth wall!!and hooray the weather had been harsh on us that we had a wet week to work with.so yeah it makes sense when we were unable to finish on time because mind you,building rammed earth wall in the rain was not an easy task!and because the timbers were too long,the guys were not allowed to use the workshop and had to work in the rain,sawing the timbers manually.pity us?better do!

and yeah we were due to finish by friday which was not the case obviously.the coming weeks we couldnt come on the weekdays because the classes and unit works had kicked off leaving us no free time to be wasted on the site.and so it was dragged to the weekends and hmm let me see,for the past 4weekends,i dragged my feet out of the bed to the thought of going to the site and having to be cheap labour working in the cold.blerrrgghhhhh~

anyhow,we had fun.i had fun.haha no seriously,i had fun!perhaps i should share the fun i had with you so you could also see what the hell was i trying to say up there.jeff,this particular blog is especially dedicated to you.now dont nag at me saying i dont make friends with people.(i love u still :P)

Donal and i were assigned to find materials for the greenhouse and so we hop from one reclaim yard to another for the price comparison.

Donal checking out the timber we need for the post.these posts were priced at gbp19.hell expensive it was!!

timbers at reclaim yard.they were selling each piece of these at 50p!isnt it obvious we would go for this one instead? :P
our site.well i dont really have the site picture but these guys were having discussion on the site.
ok this is the grave we dug to bury ourselves in case the project didnt go right.haha!andy vee and hee (and me) were digging the soils to be used as rammed earth wall.
the framework for our rammed earth wall.
we had to put up a tent from the dpm avoiding the wall to be wet.rain oh rainn
i had a go at this but it was waaaay harder than how it looks.toby and hee ramming the earth in the framework.now u see the idea of our rammed earth wall?
yeay we've got one nice sunny day and the wall was halfway up!
yerp.im a girl but that was no excuse from the hard labor!after digging the earth out and mixing to a certain consistency(macam nak buat kek laa), we had to scoop it up into the framework for the guys to do the ramming.
the wall is done.time for framework!
thats right!we worked till late night and even in the dark!

and i havent got the rest of the pictures because i simply had forgotten to snap anymore.but anyhoo,this is how it had turned out to be!

tadaaaaa
our shed+rammed earth wall+greenhouse.it sure was a lot of effort putting these things together.look at those claddings!vee and i had to saw it out from pallettes manually!crazy work but yeah we had equal fun too!(sorry the group photo was with andy otherwise i would post it here as well ;)

i am glaaaaaaddd that i dont have to drag my feet to the site this weekend.in fact,ide be happy to because we are having bonfire night at the site to celebrate our completion!yippie!good job guys!

ps/i was working hard too!i wasnt in the pictures wasnt because i tuang kerja but because i was the one who snapped the pictures.makes sense? :P

mine, but his

when most of the times we thought we have the freedom to explore life, we often forgot that we are not on our own and we can never be on our own.
21 is just a number. it sets a time-limit, a key to the anticipated 'freedom' from teen life, a life controlled by an authoritative figure in the house; the parents. and thus many of those out there start running their life on their own terms and measures and at ease to the knowledge of not having to abide to the parents' own set of rule. this is more common in the west as observed because from what i can see and personally experienced, the eastern world is more family bounded and thence unless ure married(for girls) or still live under your parents' roof, you will still need to play the game within the limitation set in the house, regardless how old you are.
i used to think i was old enough to live on my own. and to make my own decisions. and to make my own mistakes. that is then i could learn from it and grasp as much values there are from the immediate result of my blunders. after all, a lesson is best learnt through experience as some had said.
and thence i started my own journey in finding my adventure in life. i mysteriously swim into the dark to unveil the lights underneath them all in hope of new discoveries.some excites me, some upsets me and most of the time i am indifferent due to the rapid changes that i most of the times find it hard to digest and cope with.
family is the best part. and one day if i will be blessed with my own kids, i will want them to undergo what i went thru with all the support n love from my family. my mother once reminded me, you can do what ever you want and discover all the potentials in life but just remember whatever you do, dont drag your dad into hellfire.
i clearly understood her. this life is mine, not hers. but whatever is mine is automatically my dad's. and untill the day i will be handed to a man called husband, my dad will be the one to bear my sins.
sometimes i think that life is not fair. i want to experiment with all sorts of things around me. i want to explore into spaces of probabilities and try to do the impossibles. i have so much things going on in my mind and the phrase we are only young once keeps on recurring in my head. i have lots of the i want to and i would love to in my list but how could i do that if whatever my action today will cause miseries to my dad later.
oh well i guess im not all that brave and mysterious after all. 21 is just a literary key to freedom. well practiced even in my family but truth is, there is no such freedom. i am a daughter. put a daughter in front of her dad, and she'll behave. put her behind the dad and she'll start to misbehave.and put her where she cant be seen, how badly can she be?
i fall into the same typical scenario. but one thing that keeps me on the ground, i dont want to be unfair to dad. sometimes being away widens your perspective. in my case, makes me wiser in my judgements. living where temptations are irresistable and the only barrier between you and it is yourself, keeping a deep thought of your parents especially your dad helps you stay on the guided path. moms got all the credits of us children doing so well where often, dads were forgotten. why dont us daughters start to remind ourself about how lucky we are to have a manly figure in our life as a hero. he who could and would do anything for us. and us daughters, lets start to not just picture ourself in our judgements. for dads are the ones who will be paying the circumstances.
21 is just a symbolic number. nonetheless, we daughters are forever bounded to dads' rules. because the lives that we live are not just ours, but also their's
this life i live is not just mine, its also his.

[untitled]

and i see myself walking the streets of london.my journey had been a long one.and yet i still think i have not had enough of it.i could have gone back to my place but ive decided to wait.theyve gone out to ikea to buy new stuff for their new pad.it was a full round of one hour wait but its okay.bless them for providing me a roof over my head.and providing me with some companion and shelter me from horrendous emotional breakdown.yes,they were my emotional supplement.
raya passed by without me noticing.i was as stern as a rock.but today jeff said he's gonna make us all some satay.i was assigned to look for skewer stick but the best yet i could find were some toothpicks.oh well at least it convey the purpose...

life had been hard.lessons of life passed by every single day.i quickly realized deferring the offer from robert gordon uni is a fair choice.albeit the demoralizing comments ive been bombarded with from people back home,im still going strong.nope.not the family.i referred home as in country to my own definition.
i am enrolled to a bigger institution.i am enrolled to a school called university of life.i am majoring in the courses that cannot be taught in lecture halls.my classes are 24 seven and my assignments do not carry marks and grades but values to ponder about.my projects are real life projects and my decisions have immediate effects to learn from.and not any six or eight semesters were enough to pronounce me as a graduate.my convocation will come when the day i am to be returned to the earth.

we parted ways at hammersmith station.it was 930 am on the 27th of Ramadhan.kak nana's visa is expiring and she was thrilled to go home and celebrate raya with her beloved family.3 months with her thought me some of the biggest value in life.fortunes are to be shared.i quote her to myself many many times when i felt stingy.'scholarship akak ni duit kerajaan.maknanye duit mak ayah akak,mak ayah adah n duit rakyat malaysia.buat apa kite nak kedekut dan selfish kalau kita boleh tolong orang.' ouch that touches my heart.we were thousands of miles away from home and she still thought of helping those in needs.what is she runs out of money?or she suddenly realizes she needed some money for emergency matters?'rezeki takkan putus kalau kita ikhlas memberi.' it went down straight to my heart.it reminded me of how negligence i was back home.living with her taught me a lot about putting others first.
i went home to an emptiness.ive been holding on to her for the last 3 months and now i was left alone.i used to go back home and shouted 'kak nanaaa adah dah balik' and we will discuss of what to have for berbuka and laugh together watching ezora and so on.but now i went home to abig mess and nobody to speak to.i lied on the bed staring into the ceiling.into the emptiness ahead.ya Allah,thank you for teaching me this value of life while im still young.i need your guidance now and forever.now and especially now.and i closed my eyes.and i could feel the warm drops running down my cheeks.

hard is an understatement.being a girl who always have what she wants,never thought of the basic life needs and always falls back to family when she was in trouble,this different life she was living is a reality knock on her head.survival skill was not a skill to be acquired but had became an intuition,a basic instinct.

izu took care of everything.if it is not because of this brother of mine,i would have collapsed.encouragingly,he never failed to make me bounce back into life.many many times he caught me with tears about to burst but in his own ways he would talk of something that would take off my mind from the mess and blunders i was to face.i hate coldness!i hate this gloomy weather!i hate this london rain!i fell sick many many times during the winter.many many times.friends were saying my body was weak but he convinced me the other way round.he said i was still adapting to the climate changes and my body could not take the extremes.yet.
i was on the circle line when i felt dizzy.my stomach didnt seem to cooperate and it was like i was floating in the crowd of people.i bent down because my head could not take the swing of the tube and just about i had my knees to my chest,i vomitted.and in an odd way it felt good.the train stopped at bank station and i stepped out.i couldnt take the crowd and my body was too weak to take the pressure.and the nearest place from bank was izu's and i rang him.i went straight up to 4th floor.the disturbing odour from the lift didnt bother me anymore.i just wanted to rest.as soon as the door swung open,i went straight to the heater.and i collapsed.immediately i fell asleep.and there he was taking care of me and times to times read me pages of the quran so i could recover not just physically but also spiritually.my temperature didnt seem to drop but at least this reminds me of baba who used to read Quran every day in the living room.and i fell into sleep deeper than before.

endlessly ive been bombarded with questions and mockeries.dear friends please stop!what are you doing there?why are you wasting your time?when are you coming back?why are you not hearing what we advised you before and the list went on and on.
please,i thought ive made it clear.
i want to go to the uk to work and make some living on my own.i will get back to my studies the coming year insyaAllah.but for the one year i have on my hand,let me earn my living and learn values that could not be learnt if i were to spend a gap year in kl,my own home town.of course,the initial plan was to look for job at firms and at the same time hunt for the good architecture school.ive known quite a number of my friends who look for jobs here and landed not one but a few options fro them to choose.but of course,Allah had His greater plans and UK had been hit by somewhat fasttrack recession and many of those i knew lost their job.what more for me to find one.therefore,i changed my plan to just 'survive' and at the same time hunt for some good architecture schools that can accept my qualificaion as im not a RIBA student.i have explained this many many times but people choose what they want to hear thence be judgemental.white flag.i cant please everyone so i chose to keep quiet.and that point onwards,i was never available on my ym....

im not sombong for not replying as some people have said.im just sick of the questions and the 'i told you so' lines.i hope that explains.

i like nasi ayam at bonda.and they even have tapai here!i like their tapai very much!but the most delicious nasi ayam i have ever tasted her so far was idora's.it was finger licking good and i could still taste it in my mouth.idora had always been a friend to me.she taught me of the survival instinct and that punctuality is a way of life!i was never really punctual.i remembered i used to pissed mun so much because i was always late.but i guess observing idora makes me want to stay on time.she is doing hher phd-which consumes most of her time and yet she has the energy for morning shift in Sainsbury.and she simply loves her job even though that requires her to wake up as early as 4 and be there at 6.i very much adore her for that.she was my housemate and she was the one who taught me that life is going to be okay so long we are willing to make sacrifices.and make up your mind because living wondering sucks.i owe her so much that i could not list them all down here.idora,i love you very much!

living abroad opens us to the definition of real friends.the hardship of life faced by each and every person makes them reveal their true colors.makes me reveal my true color.but in many ways this is good.because indirectly,who we befriend is their actual self.i have known many people along the way.and i would like to express my greatest gratitude to izu for supporting my way through.to kak nana for being the my ground there.to idora for believing in me.to hadi,yameen and rafie for welcoming me with warmth.and especially to jeff for protecting me against so many challenges and helped me overcome my biggest fear; myself.

i have another two years ahead and i dont know how would i end this journey.in this month of Ramadhan,i pray to Allah that He will make my path clear for me in this world and the hereafter.

terrrr

kamu sungguh terencat.bila kamu rasa terencat kamu megecat.apakah kamu ingat apabila kamu mengecat kamu bole terlepas dari segala cercatan?kadang kadang kerencatan minda boleh membuatankan kamu dilumur cat.maka si tukang cat.silalah campurkan cat cat yang ada agar warna dinding dinding ini cantik belaka ;)

i was so nervous

i did. i was so nervous i felt like passing out. i was soo nervous my stomach could not take the roti bakar mamak i ordered for my breakfast. in fact i was so nervous i felt like throwing out!

urghh..okay enough with the drama.

today i went to attend an interview at Veritas for a short attachment / internship / training or whatever other terms you want to call it.i just thought well since im going back to school this september i better get myself grounded in architecture again.umm that doesnt sound right.i was mean to say that well,since ive been away from architecture itself for about a year now,the smart thing to do before getting back to school empty headed is to get a feel of it again and hopefully by these short attachments,i could grasp the essence or mood or the 'feel' that will prepare me for the coming 2 strainfull year.ouch i could feel it on my bone now. :s

the interview went well without any hiccups in which i was so grateful for.Alhamdulillah.and to make things short,ive nailed it.at first i thought it will be almost impossible for any company to accept me for the extremely short period of time what more to be welcomed by a high profiled company like them but i guess they are generous enough to offer me a placement with a belief that i can learn quite a lot while im with them provided that i myself am willing to put an extra effort to prove them that its worthwhile hiring me than those many other pending applicants.

and i know when i said 'im up for the challenge,' i made a big promise not only to them but also to myself to prove them what a Raudhah is worth.

huhuhuwaaa ayat berkobar kobar!!!!

oh well......

meantime,im still having kecut perut n all other nervous syndroms i had this morning.yes the interview was over successfully and yes im starting next week after im done with btn but no,these syndroms arent leaving.infact they got worst and started to give me high blood pressure.arghhhhh

errr please pray that i'll make it through this intensive 6 weeks insyaAllah.ameen

:S